My Journey to Motherhood

With all of these birthdays happening around here this summer, I realized that I have never posted my story about how I first got pregnant. The following is a testimony of how faithful God is, and the story of my journey into motherhood.

Isaiah 30:15 says “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” On my journey to motherhood, I experienced a lot of repentance, rest, quietness and trust.

I went through a wide spectrum of emotions, starting with joy, when we finally decided we were ready to start a family. Joy began to turn into frustration after the first few months of trying to get pregnant, but I was still not without hope. After several more months of disappointment, frustration turned into depression, and tears. My monthly cycle was irregular so it was hard to tell when I was ovulating. My doctor told me that it was probably due to the birth control I had taken so she gave me a drug to essentially “reset” my cycle. Tests ruled out anything wrong with my DH, and revealed that I had a low progesterone level and a cervical mucus problem that lowered our chances of getting pregnant on our own to 1%.

When we reached the year mark of trying in 1999, we decided to talk to a specialist. I finally worked up the nerve to call a recommended specialist at the UW only to find that he wouldn’t be able to see us for an interview for another 3 months. I began to question God about His timing. How long will I have to wait? Will I ever conceive? Is it a mistake to talk to a specialist? I wanted to take matters into my own hands but I wasn’t sure that was the right thing to do. The exact words in my journal on February 8, 1999 were “Trust. Why must I always take things back after giving them to you Lord?”

It turns out there was a reason I wasn’t able to get in with that specialist right away. A friend at our church referred me to her OBGYN that also happened to be a fertility doctor at a women’s clinic there in Seattle. The consultation was free, she could see us as soon as March 11^th, and she was a Christian! We met with her and she explained that the only procedure they did in their office was one called Intrauterine Insemination (or IUI). It is a totally natural process where a very thin flexible catheter is inserted through the cervix and washed sperm from a sample brought in is injected into the uterus. After praying about it, we decided to give it a try. There was a peace in my heart about it as trust began to settle in again.

Three months passed and the doctor suggested that adding progesterone supplements to the picture might help. Three more months passed by and doubt began to creep in again. I was becoming numb in the process of going to the doctor every month to try and conceive. The progesterone that I was taking was making me moody and it was affecting our marriage. There was anything but rest in my life and I was ready to give up. That’s when God brought me an older, wiser friend from Church Camp. She had promised to pray for us every day for a month about conceiving and was calling to check up on me. I confessed my disbelief and anger and repented before God as she gently reminded me to trust in Him. That month she came and sat with me in the doctor’s office and prayed before, during and after the procedure. The doctor said that if we didn’t get pregnant that month, we should probably consider discussing the next step. I wanted to believe it was going to work that month more than anything. I begged and pleaded with God for two entire weeks that this time, I would be pregnant.

It was a long two weeks, and at the end of it I was faced with another disappointment. My DH and I had to make a decision what we were going to do next. After talking it over with my doctor and praying about it, we scheduled a laparoscopy at Northwest Hospital to check for problems such as endometriosis and blocked fallopian tubes. I was scared of surgery (because I had never been through it) and afraid of what they might find. It got cancelled for the first date because I got an upper respiratory infection, which made the wait even longer. (Do you think God was trying to tell me to rest during that time?)

A second date was scheduled but my husband couldn’t be there due to a conflict of schedule at the Church. So my mom came out for the day and stayed with me at the hospital during the procedure. On November 19^th, 1999, three days before my 26^th birthday, I checked into the hospital filled with mixed emotions of anxiety and hope. Luckily, they didn’t find anything that day. We decided it would be best to take a break and rest for a couple of months to re-focus and pray. Quietness settled in my spirit as I asked God for guidance and strength during that time.

I found this prayer of Emilie Barnes’ to be true: “My nerves and patience wear thin throughout all the demands on my life. When I stop and take time for You, a quietness falls upon me and I can regenerate my battery.” I tried to take my focus off of me and turn my thoughts to Jesus during the holiday season. I busied myself with women’s ministry, music, and preparing for Christmas services. Since I worked at the Church with my DH and we lived on Church property, it was easy to keep busy. No matter how hard I tried to keep busy and not think about it though, the incredible desire in my heart to be a mother kept nagging at me. Hope upon hope had been taken from me and now it looked as if we would have to meet with a specialist to talk about other options. Expensive options. I wanted to celebrate the birth of Jesus, our Savior, but all I could do is worry about having a baby. “In repentance and rest is your salvation…” the Lord reminded me. “In quietness and rest is your strength.”

We ended up consulting with a specialist at the UW on January 24^th, 2000. After meeting with him we decided that it would be best if we just continued with IUI for a while. We weren’t ready to take the big plunge into fertility drugs and IVF yet, nor could we afford it. IUI was giving us a 7% chance of getting pregnant and fertility drugs without IVF would only raise that up to 9%, increasing the chance of multiples.

Shortly after that my husband had surgery on his foot and was laid up for two months, extending our break. I took care of him, driving him to his follow up appointments and making sure he was as comfortable as possible. I also completed my training to be a S.H.A.R.E. speaker, something I had wanted to do for a long time. S.H.A.R.E. (Sexual Health And Relationship Education) was a program that went into High schools and youth groups to speak on abstinence. I was beginning to feel hope again as I began to see how God could use me to serve my husband and minister to teens during my wait to become a mother.

As the months of 2000 passed by God really worked in both of us and our marriage. I look back on things and realize that He was preparing us to be parents. We continued to visit the doctor every month with the hope of getting pregnant. Another Mother’s Day came around and I wish I could say that I stayed strong. Once again I found myself crying out with Hannah “Look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and forget not your servant…” A friend of mine gave me what she called “Hannah’s blanket.” It was a small handkerchief that I could weep into and remember God’s faithfulness towards Hannah. I still have it to remind me that He answers prayer.

Another friend gave me a book called “From Barrenness to Fruitfulness” by Frank Damazio. When I finally worked up the courage to open it I read these words “Brokenness and barrenness are in the same family, and together produce quite a healthy offering: humility, faith, patience and hope.” Not a lot is written in my journal between May of 2000 and November of 2000. The way I remember it, God did bring me to brokenness. My barrenness brought me to my knees in repentance, which produced humility, faith, patience and hope. But most of all, I learned trust. And in trust, I found strength.

Finally, on November 19^th, 2000, exactly one year after my surgery I recorded this entry: What brings me to my journal today is very good news. I found out last Friday that I’m finally pregnant! Finally! I’ll be one month pregnant this Wednesday (on my birthday.) Happy birthday to me!

I went in early one morning to confirm it at the doctor’s office, the nurse and doctor came out and said “we have a baby!” Then we all cried. I had been coming in for so long trying to get pregnant that the entire office celebrated. I went straight home, rushed into the bedroom and woke Scott up exclaiming “we’re pregnant!” We took a long time and just lay thinking, planning and praying. God had finally answered our prayers.

The following months were not without struggles. Though we were excited, we didn’t tell many people because we were afraid that I might miscarry. The statistic given to us is that 1 in 4 pregnancies end naturally in a miscarriage during the first trimester. Even after all this time it was still hard to trust. In the first month I had really bad cramps but my doctor said not to worry because I was also having morning sickness and that was a good sign. She said the cramps were probably just my body adjusting to the progesterone levels rising.

A good friend and faithful prayer warrior offered to be my Doula in the hospital. She taught me how to relax and breath and some techniques to get through labor without any pain medication. After all it took to get pregnant; I wanted to experience the entire process of child birth. And I did. With her help, my mother’s presence, and my husband’s support by my side, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on July 18^th, 2001. RL was my first little blessing from God, and from there, well, they just kept coming!

I am learning that trust does not end at birth. I am trusting God to teach and guide me as I raise my little ones up in Him. I commit them into His hands, and like Hannah did with Samuel, I offer them back to Him. It is a daily process, different with each stage of their little lives.

The Bible is full of promises concerning trust. But perhaps the most often quoted promise is Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” What are you trusting God for in your life right now? Whatever it may be, He is there for you. Look to Him in prayer and find strength for whatever it is you are going through. I’m glad I did, and I will continue to trust Him until He calls me home.