Justice, Mercy, and Humility

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." -Micah 6:8

It doesn't get any more straight forward that!

Thank You, Lord, for showing me what is good in Your Word this morning! Help me to live this out in my words and actions in the day set before me and the days to come. Amen.

My Journey to Motherhood

With all of these birthdays happening around here this summer, I realized that I have never posted my story about how I first got pregnant. The following is a testimony of how faithful God is, and the story of my journey into motherhood.

Isaiah 30:15 says “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” On my journey to motherhood, I experienced a lot of repentance, rest, quietness and trust.

I went through a wide spectrum of emotions, starting with joy, when we finally decided we were ready to start a family. Joy began to turn into frustration after the first few months of trying to get pregnant, but I was still not without hope. After several more months of disappointment, frustration turned into depression, and tears. My monthly cycle was irregular so it was hard to tell when I was ovulating. My doctor told me that it was probably due to the birth control I had taken so she gave me a drug to essentially “reset” my cycle. Tests ruled out anything wrong with my DH, and revealed that I had a low progesterone level and a cervical mucus problem that lowered our chances of getting pregnant on our own to 1%.

When we reached the year mark of trying in 1999, we decided to talk to a specialist. I finally worked up the nerve to call a recommended specialist at the UW only to find that he wouldn’t be able to see us for an interview for another 3 months. I began to question God about His timing. How long will I have to wait? Will I ever conceive? Is it a mistake to talk to a specialist? I wanted to take matters into my own hands but I wasn’t sure that was the right thing to do. The exact words in my journal on February 8, 1999 were “Trust. Why must I always take things back after giving them to you Lord?”

It turns out there was a reason I wasn’t able to get in with that specialist right away. A friend at our church referred me to her OBGYN that also happened to be a fertility doctor at a women’s clinic there in Seattle. The consultation was free, she could see us as soon as March 11^th, and she was a Christian! We met with her and she explained that the only procedure they did in their office was one called Intrauterine Insemination (or IUI). It is a totally natural process where a very thin flexible catheter is inserted through the cervix and washed sperm from a sample brought in is injected into the uterus. After praying about it, we decided to give it a try. There was a peace in my heart about it as trust began to settle in again.

Three months passed and the doctor suggested that adding progesterone supplements to the picture might help. Three more months passed by and doubt began to creep in again. I was becoming numb in the process of going to the doctor every month to try and conceive. The progesterone that I was taking was making me moody and it was affecting our marriage. There was anything but rest in my life and I was ready to give up. That’s when God brought me an older, wiser friend from Church Camp. She had promised to pray for us every day for a month about conceiving and was calling to check up on me. I confessed my disbelief and anger and repented before God as she gently reminded me to trust in Him. That month she came and sat with me in the doctor’s office and prayed before, during and after the procedure. The doctor said that if we didn’t get pregnant that month, we should probably consider discussing the next step. I wanted to believe it was going to work that month more than anything. I begged and pleaded with God for two entire weeks that this time, I would be pregnant.

It was a long two weeks, and at the end of it I was faced with another disappointment. My DH and I had to make a decision what we were going to do next. After talking it over with my doctor and praying about it, we scheduled a laparoscopy at Northwest Hospital to check for problems such as endometriosis and blocked fallopian tubes. I was scared of surgery (because I had never been through it) and afraid of what they might find. It got cancelled for the first date because I got an upper respiratory infection, which made the wait even longer. (Do you think God was trying to tell me to rest during that time?)

A second date was scheduled but my husband couldn’t be there due to a conflict of schedule at the Church. So my mom came out for the day and stayed with me at the hospital during the procedure. On November 19^th, 1999, three days before my 26^th birthday, I checked into the hospital filled with mixed emotions of anxiety and hope. Luckily, they didn’t find anything that day. We decided it would be best to take a break and rest for a couple of months to re-focus and pray. Quietness settled in my spirit as I asked God for guidance and strength during that time.

I found this prayer of Emilie Barnes’ to be true: “My nerves and patience wear thin throughout all the demands on my life. When I stop and take time for You, a quietness falls upon me and I can regenerate my battery.” I tried to take my focus off of me and turn my thoughts to Jesus during the holiday season. I busied myself with women’s ministry, music, and preparing for Christmas services. Since I worked at the Church with my DH and we lived on Church property, it was easy to keep busy. No matter how hard I tried to keep busy and not think about it though, the incredible desire in my heart to be a mother kept nagging at me. Hope upon hope had been taken from me and now it looked as if we would have to meet with a specialist to talk about other options. Expensive options. I wanted to celebrate the birth of Jesus, our Savior, but all I could do is worry about having a baby. “In repentance and rest is your salvation…” the Lord reminded me. “In quietness and rest is your strength.”

We ended up consulting with a specialist at the UW on January 24^th, 2000. After meeting with him we decided that it would be best if we just continued with IUI for a while. We weren’t ready to take the big plunge into fertility drugs and IVF yet, nor could we afford it. IUI was giving us a 7% chance of getting pregnant and fertility drugs without IVF would only raise that up to 9%, increasing the chance of multiples.

Shortly after that my husband had surgery on his foot and was laid up for two months, extending our break. I took care of him, driving him to his follow up appointments and making sure he was as comfortable as possible. I also completed my training to be a S.H.A.R.E. speaker, something I had wanted to do for a long time. S.H.A.R.E. (Sexual Health And Relationship Education) was a program that went into High schools and youth groups to speak on abstinence. I was beginning to feel hope again as I began to see how God could use me to serve my husband and minister to teens during my wait to become a mother.

As the months of 2000 passed by God really worked in both of us and our marriage. I look back on things and realize that He was preparing us to be parents. We continued to visit the doctor every month with the hope of getting pregnant. Another Mother’s Day came around and I wish I could say that I stayed strong. Once again I found myself crying out with Hannah “Look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and forget not your servant…” A friend of mine gave me what she called “Hannah’s blanket.” It was a small handkerchief that I could weep into and remember God’s faithfulness towards Hannah. I still have it to remind me that He answers prayer.

Another friend gave me a book called “From Barrenness to Fruitfulness” by Frank Damazio. When I finally worked up the courage to open it I read these words “Brokenness and barrenness are in the same family, and together produce quite a healthy offering: humility, faith, patience and hope.” Not a lot is written in my journal between May of 2000 and November of 2000. The way I remember it, God did bring me to brokenness. My barrenness brought me to my knees in repentance, which produced humility, faith, patience and hope. But most of all, I learned trust. And in trust, I found strength.

Finally, on November 19^th, 2000, exactly one year after my surgery I recorded this entry: What brings me to my journal today is very good news. I found out last Friday that I’m finally pregnant! Finally! I’ll be one month pregnant this Wednesday (on my birthday.) Happy birthday to me!

I went in early one morning to confirm it at the doctor’s office, the nurse and doctor came out and said “we have a baby!” Then we all cried. I had been coming in for so long trying to get pregnant that the entire office celebrated. I went straight home, rushed into the bedroom and woke Scott up exclaiming “we’re pregnant!” We took a long time and just lay thinking, planning and praying. God had finally answered our prayers.

The following months were not without struggles. Though we were excited, we didn’t tell many people because we were afraid that I might miscarry. The statistic given to us is that 1 in 4 pregnancies end naturally in a miscarriage during the first trimester. Even after all this time it was still hard to trust. In the first month I had really bad cramps but my doctor said not to worry because I was also having morning sickness and that was a good sign. She said the cramps were probably just my body adjusting to the progesterone levels rising.

A good friend and faithful prayer warrior offered to be my Doula in the hospital. She taught me how to relax and breath and some techniques to get through labor without any pain medication. After all it took to get pregnant; I wanted to experience the entire process of child birth. And I did. With her help, my mother’s presence, and my husband’s support by my side, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on July 18^th, 2001. RL was my first little blessing from God, and from there, well, they just kept coming!

I am learning that trust does not end at birth. I am trusting God to teach and guide me as I raise my little ones up in Him. I commit them into His hands, and like Hannah did with Samuel, I offer them back to Him. It is a daily process, different with each stage of their little lives.

The Bible is full of promises concerning trust. But perhaps the most often quoted promise is Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” What are you trusting God for in your life right now? Whatever it may be, He is there for you. Look to Him in prayer and find strength for whatever it is you are going through. I’m glad I did, and I will continue to trust Him until He calls me home.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Today my first born turned 8 years old. I can hardly believe it! She is growing up too fast! RL is and always will be my baby girl in my heart. It took us 4 years to get pregnant with her, but then she finally entered into our lives on July 18th, 2001. If you have a little time, you can read the story here. Just as she grows with each passing year, so also does my love grow for her. I count myself blessed to be her mother.

I love you baby girl!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Siesta Scripture Memory 7.15.09

I have another post brewing in my head, but since today is the 15th, I wanted to get my Siesta Scripture Memory verse posted.

Psalm 31:3
"Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me."

Lord, take me by the hand and lead me on solid ground! Guide me on paths of righteousness and truth because you alone are my rock and fortress! AMEN!

Reflections

This morning as I "reflected" on the words of Rachael Anne over at Home Sanctuary, I began to search the Bible for some verses to go a bit deeper. I discovered three verses that really got me to thinking.

1 Corinthians 3:12. "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

2 Corinthians 3:17-18 "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

Romans 12:12 "Don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what is the good, well pleasing, and perfect will of God"

The word "transformed" in the last two words is the greek word metamorphoumetha, translated changed, transformed, or transfigured. Every day we are being changed to be more like Christ. Just as we can't possibly know for sure know what we will look like in the mirror 10 years from now, we can't say what our walk with Christ will bring. However, I am reassured by these verses of several things.

1. I am fully known by the One who created me.
2. There is freedom in the Spirit.
3. I am being transformed into His likeness with ever increasing glory from the Lord.
4. I am transformed by the renewing of my mind.
5. As I am transformed, I will be able to discern the good, well pleasing, and perfect will of God.

All of these things depend on my growing knowledge of the Scriptures. I cannot be transformed and renewed if I do not read and meditate on His Word. My attitude and heart's cry is the same as Psalm 119:15-16. "I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways. I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word." Just as I wouldn't neglect to wash the face that I see in the mirror every day, I must cleanse my heart with the scriptures.

The next time you look in the mirror, remember that you are a reflection of God's glory and are being transformed into His likeness with each day. Rachel Anne put it so well when she said, "With each failure, with each victory, with each passing day, I'm not who I was."

And now, I'm off to clean my mirrors! :)

Happy Birthday JS!

7 years ago today I gave birth to my first son. JS has been a character from the start. He is a pro at making me laugh with his many faces. It's as if he were born into this world, to say "Hey mom, lighten up! Life is too short not to enjoy it!"

Here he is as a newborn: Hey mom, did you hear the one about the...?

Here he is in the present day: Hey mom, how about a GREAT. BIG. HUG!









I love you JS! Happy 7th Birthday! Thanks for making your mom smile! :)

Fitness Matters

When you're not in good physical shape, it affects you mentally too. For me, the most important benefit of exercise is that I am a better mother. -Virginia Madsen

Today over at Home Sanctuary Rachel Anne is encouraging us to exercise! Just 5 minutes of movement to get your blood pumping and make you feel better about yourself! Check out her encouraging post and then go take 5 minutes to get energized!

Some of the things I do when I can't actually turn on my Wii Fit, which is my exercise tool of preference:

• Stretch in the kitchen while waiting for meat to brown, water to boil, or toast to cook.
• Do a little strength training by striking a plank pose while swishing my mouthwash at night.
• Practice side leg kicks just while talking on the phone.

Well, you get the idea. It's all about creativity. Anything to keep me fit while I keep up with my children! :)